Spiraling

 It's been a while since I've spiraled.

I know everyone collectively regards 2020 as The Worst, but truthfully my mental health was much better than it used to be. I worked from home for most of the year, and it helped me realize how anxious I really was, just from working around other people. Removing all of those triggers has done wonders for my mental state. My biggest worry was having to go back. Until, y'know. The cancer.

I have had my ups and downs through this cancer journey so far, but I feel like I've generally been handling it well. I guess things have been piling up and I tend to use avoidance as a coping mechanism, until it all bubbles up to the surface and becomes Extra Overwhelming. In 2018/2019 I was having a lot of anxiety attacks, which usually started with me "spiraling" and then uncontrollable crying. So I was prescribed some emergency meds for when I was feeling a spiral coming on. I tend to measure my mental state by how long it's been since I've had to take one, and I think it may have been over a year since I've felt the need to use it. Until today, that is. My brain likes lists, so I'm going to list all the things that have possibly triggered my spiral today: 

• The political climate. I didn't want to get too into politics on this blog because it's a huge stressor for me but like A BUNCH OF TRUMP SUPPORTERS JUST STORMED THE FUCKING CAPITOL LIKE IT WAS NBD, meanwhile BLM protesters were arrested, shot at, killed, tear-gassed, and beaten for months BUT OK, JUST LET THESE MOTHERFUCKERS INTO THE DAMN CAPITOL BUILDING WITHOUT SHOWING ANY BRUTALITY AT ALL I just fucking can't ok, everything is fucked.
• I have a few (virtual) meetings at work coming up, and I always tend to get antsy about them. I am constantly worried that they're going to insist I come back. I don't know how to explain how much dread fills my body every time I think about having to physically go back to work. I know it won't be any time soon, as we are still in a pandemic and I will be having a lot of medical procedures happening and like, I'm not going back before all of that happens, but I don't know how I'm going to handle it when it does happen.
• I emailed my HR people about getting disability or family medical leave because I don't know how to go about doing either of those things, or if I would even qualify for one or the other, and I have heard nothing back. I have a feeling I'm just going to have to use all of my PTO anyway, but I would like the security of knowing that I won't be fired if I have to go over that allotted time. 
• Filling out paperwork for doctor's offices. I used to not mind filling out paperwork; I kind of even enjoyed it, but I've been doing it A LOT lately, including consulting my family about all of their medical history, and it's just a lot ok. 
• My hip has had a dull ache for... 6 months? And I don't know what to do about it. It cropped up around the time I was going on more walks, so I stopped going on walks, thinking that I would let it heal and then I could continue, but it just...never went away? I didn't think to say anything about it at my annual check up because I was kind of naked and getting prodded and I was worried about my lump. 
• At some point more recently I bruised my tailbone? I don't know how, but it hurts to sit most of the time. I was hoping that we would have a new couch delivered at this point, but we are still waiting on them to contact us for delivery, so we are still sitting on an old unsupportive loveseat that is currently covered in dog hair. 
• EVERYTHING is covered in dog hair. I know I should be used to this, but I have never had a dog that sheds as much as River does. She's a husky mix, and they shed a lot all the time, but it gets particularly bad in summer and winter. No matter how much we comb her, it just keeps shooting out. 
• In addition to my tailbone and my hip hurting at some point this week my lower back got twisted up as well. I finally went back to my chiropractor last month in an attempt to solve my hip and tailbone issue, but neither has gone away. I don't even know if those things can be solved by a chiropractor. But my back was feeling nice and aligned and my neck was nice and cracked and now I can't sit or walk straight. I'm taking ibuprofen every day but I basically spend my days laying down because I can't do anything else without hurting. I've dealt with some kind of physical pain for a good portion of my life so it's nothing new, but it's just exhausting.

My brain is becoming less fuzzy and I've calmed down for now. I plan on snuggling my stinky shedding dog for a bit before I have to sign back on at work.