I realize I haven't really been keeping up with this. It's a mixture of not a lot of stuff going on and me not wanting to think about it. So here is what has happened since my last update:
I got a Zoladex shot in my stomach to stop my periods last month. I still got my period, but they said that was normal for the first month. I didn't have any menopause-like side-effects, I assume because it hasn't started to work yet. I don't know what kind of hormone therapy I will be taking yet, but I should know next week when I go back to that doctor.
I've gotten 3 injections for my tissue expander. I will get one more and then after that I should be ready for reconstructive surgery. Doc said it wouldn't be as bad as the mastectomy. I might have a drain but I might not, it depends. They won't keep me overnight either. It will also involve some lypo from my stomach to cushion the implant, and will involve a reduction on the right side to match everything. I wanted to joke that he could lypo more if he wanted, but I know I shouldn't push my body issues onto other people.
Speaking of body issues, that's been my biggest hang up with this portion of my recovery. The fact that I hate my body has become more apparent than anything else to me. Like, I already knew that about myself, but it's the only thing I can focus on at the moment. Covid has been a good excuse for me to not leave the house, but even now that some things are relaxing, I still don't want to leave the house because I hate how I look. Part of it is that my boobs are uneven, but it's also just general fatness. I'm worried that I'll end up with a nice new perky set of boobs and the rest of me won't match. Won't be shiny and new and aesthetically pleasing. I'm not really worried about hubs or other people, but I'm my worst critic and the only one I listen to most of the time. As much as I don't like my large saggy boobs, they were at least in proportion to the rest of me. Now I'm afraid my stomach will poke out even more and I will have a mental breakdown every time I have to get dressed and leave the house. It is much easier to stay home and ignore that there is anything else out there for me.
I also cut my hair. I've been having a lot of dry scalp issues and the fact that my hair was long and I could just put it up and ignore it was leading me to not take care of it the way I should. So I gave myself a pixie with the help of hubs. He shaved the back and sides and I cut the top. I kind of hate the part that I did, but I hate everything, so I've decided just to leave it and hope I like it better when it grows out. I opted to do it myself so it would be easier for me to keep up with, and also women's haircuts are twice as expensive and I hate that. Also it would require me to leave the house, and we've already talked about how I hate that.
So I have been avoiding reality as much as I can. I started playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild again, and it's still very good and takes a lot of my attention. When I'm not playing that I'm playing a game on my phone or reading fanfiction. I even wrote some. I'm just trying to avoid my life as much as possible. I know it's not the healthiest thing, but I don't know what else to do at this point. Fantasy has been my coping mechanism since I was a lonely tot; I don't see myself stopping any time soon.
