Happy New Year?

I'm spending the beginning of 2021 and my birthday trying to sort through some new feelings. Fair warning: I'm gonna be talking about nipples a lot. 

I got a call from the plastic surgeon's office yesterday. The receptionist asked me some questions and told me to do some research before going, because I would be getting a shit ton of information at the appointment. I'd already done some light research at the mention of breast reconstruction and/or implants, because I would love to get rid of some of them. They are far too large for my liking, they've sagged my whole life, I've had back problems since I was a teenager, and I gave up on wearing any bra that isn't a bralette or a sports bra a few years ago because "real bras" in my size are uncomfortable and expensive. So because of this my initial thought was that I'd like to get a double or bi-lateral mastectomy. Meaning, they remove all of my breast tissue and put in some implants. Both my surgeon and the receptionist at the plastic surgeon's office mentioned that it may be hard to convince the insurance company to do this because according to my genes, I am not pre-disposed to getting breast cancer again. 

So I started researching again, and was ultimately ok with everything until I started looking into nipple reconstruction. She specifically told me to look into this, because they can't always save the original nipple, and when they do sometimes it ends up in a weird position after surgery. I'd honestly never really thought about having to remove my nipple, and the more I read into the options the more upset I got. For the first time since those first few days after my mammogram, I cried. I don't want to go through this and I don't want to make these kinds of decisions. Apparently a lot mastectomy patients lose feeling in their breasts and nipples, which is kind of the only reason I'd be interested in keeping the nipple in tact. At this point I don't plan on having children or breast feeding, but the thought of losing feeling kind of broke me. I guess the main reason nipple reconstruction or prosthetic nipples are made is for the look of it, and not to restore nerve endings or feeling. So I just don't see the point of any of that. I know some women choose to just leave it off, or cover it with a nipple tattoo. Like, a realistic 3D tattoo of a nipple. Which doesn't really appeal to me either. I'd rather get some actual tattoo art if I'm going that route. 

Hubs found me in the midst of my meltdown and somehow convinced me to get out of bed and sit outside for a while. I guess after that he did some research on his own and made a list of options, which we talked about earlier tonight. He's been a doll through all of this and I'm incredibly thankful to have him. So something I don't think I realized before, is that a mastectomy and a breast reduction aren't really the same thing. I've been talking about getting a breast reduction since I was in college, but I assumed it would be very expensive to do so. Apparently it's often covered by insurance since it can help alleviate a lot of back issues, and I also discovered that a mastectomy combined with a reduction is also a thing that can happen. So I can go the route of a bi-lateral mastectomy so I don't have to do this again, despite what my genes say, but the recovery would probably be more intense. Or, I could have a mastectomy on my left and a reduction on the right, and they can try to make them match that way. The least invasive option would to have them just reconstruct the left breast to the size and shape it is now, which I'm not a huge fan of since they have done nothing but cause me problems. At least I know I have some options now, and I'm feeling a bit more hopeful about it all. Still. Cancer is bullshit. 

I've also held off on telling a ton of people what is going on. My immediate family and in-laws know, and a handful of close friends know. My mom hasn't been handling the news well, but I guess that is to be expected. She let it slip to some of her family about what is going on, and they ended up telling more of her family that we are estranged from. This part of her family is estranged for good reason. They are horrible manipulative people who have done terrible things to my mom and other members of the family, so I happily haven't spoken to them in years. She told me about it earlier tonight and I could tell she felt terrible about it. I was annoyed at first, but I know she didn't intend for the asshole part of the family to find out. I can understand her need to talk to someone about it. I've mostly been writing about it to get everything out of my head thus far, but not everyone copes the same way I do. I have to remember that I'm not the only one being affected by this. I'd planned on telling more people eventually anyway. That was the main reason for starting this blog. I knew people would want to know what is going on, and I knew I would get tired of repeating everything, and I am far better at expressing myself when I can write it out. So I plan on posting it on social media after this post, and then I'm going to go into full avoidance mode and lose myself in the new Stardew Valley updates. 

Here's to 2021; my 34th year of living, and a year full of doctor's appointments.